The unexpected reaction

For the first time since we moved to Virginia, today, Nick went out to sea. Well, sort of. The ship left for what is called sea trials, in which basically, they are going out to see what will break during normal wear & use on the ship. They're gone for less than a week, so its not even like they are getting fully underway. I had no issues with this, I mean really, we've done much much longer seperations than this, so it's not really a big deal.

So now, on to the point of this blog. As I was watching the news today at noon, I see video of the carrier pulling out to sea. As weird as this sounds, I almost had a panic attack. Like I said, it's only a few days, and he's been gone for the last few weeks, so really we are in the home stretch. It's not a big deal. But, when I saw the ship under it's own power moving out to sea, a very unexpected thing happened. All the feelings from the last 4 years on the lincoln, and saying goodbye and watching the ship move out to sea more times than I can count. It was a realy strange feeling. I honestly didn't expect any feelings over this, but the underlying feeling for me, was a weird empty sadness. Even though I know its only for a few days, and I'm really not upset, I mean really, I'm pregnant, and I've got the bed to myself, it's not a bad thing completly. Of course I'd rather him be home, but if he's got to be gone, nows the time for it to happen. It just caught me completly off guard the way the feelings that I had every time the lincoln left hit me when I saw the ship pulling out today. It was really just strange. I've heard people say that you are conditioned for certain things, and some things will always stir the same emotions in you, and heck, I took several psychology classes devoted to just that topic in college, but I never fully understood it until recently.

I started to understand this conditioning phenomenon when we were at the commisioning ceremony back in January. Part of this ceremony, is "bringing the ship to life." During which, people run onboard and man the rails, the move on like no one has been on the ship before (which is kind of entertaining, but whatever) and then all the sirens are tested, lights are lit up, and the end finale is a sounding of the ships whistle. For those who have never heard a ships whistle go off, its a very deep loud sound, the kind that you feel in your chest and makes the ground move. Literally. It is very loud. Well, every time a ship goes out to sea and comes back into port, the first thing it does as it is untied from the dock and as it is officially "in port" is blow it's whistle. I've heard this sound many times, alwas signaling the coming or going of the ship. So, it has always been emotional when I heard it, it meant saying goodbye for months or reconnecting after months. Now, after being in VA for over a year, I was sitting on the pier in January, with my husband standing less than 100ft away from me, and knowing fully that that dumb boat wasnt going anywhere, but when the whistle sounded, tears started running out of my eyes. My mom looked at me like I was insane. Heck, I looked at me like I was insane. I mean really, its a whistle, he's not coming or going, but to me, the sound of a ships whistle was a deep reminder of the past for us, and hopefully, not our future, but possibly.

So, after the commisioning and the tearful blow of the whistle, and today's almost panic attack at the sight of a ship going to sea and knowing that my husband was on it, I will say I am a complete and full believer in that people can be conditioned and trained to certain sights and sounds pulling out emotions that we never know are there. Anyway, not that anyone cares, I just wanted to write it down, because right now, it's either write out stuff, or go do dishes. :) So, anyway, I guess I'm off.